THE REALITY OF ADJUSTMENT ‘DISORDER’
4/10 – I thought that this evening I would chuck out a real time blog to update from my (apparent) gloom on Sunday and Monday. Monday ended up being a really tough day in work. No particular reason. I did not want to go, I do not know where my head was, but as I approached HQ I was thinking of ways to escape. I wanted to go AWOL so to speak, but I knew that my professionalism would not allow that. It did not stop me from thinking up how to run away, and at one point I was thinking of heading home and getting Olly. I know he would have licked some sense into me and brought me back to reality. It was the thought of Olly which got me through the gate and into the building. It was not easy and I felt like I was the back foot to start.
Why am I finding it so hard? Is it the mere fact that I have been off for so long and trying to get back to normality. Is it because I am around people for 5 hours a day as I am not used to that? Or have I changed more than what I have thought and feel beaten? I don’t know, and maybe it is a combination of many factors. Whilst my colleagues are great I feel vacant and emotionless about what I am doing. This is not me. I am someone who is always on top of the game, driven by pressure and demand and now I cant seem to navigate my way around the simplest of tasks.
I know this is part of what I have to deal with. When I look at my diagnosis of personality ‘disorder’ and adjustment ‘disorder’ it suddenly becomes clear and real that this is what is it. I am adjusting back into something which was once so familiar but now seems so alien to me. This will take time and patience and it will be bumpy along the way. On Monday I wanted to walk out before the end of my 5 hours but I managed to stick in there and last it out.
Yesterday (Tuesday) was an annual leave day and I went out for an early run as I knew I had to sort my head out. I have not done much exercise in the last 10 days and I found it helped. I need to establish a routine which fits in Olly, exercise, me time and work. Note the order. Work would have always come first. Today, was a work day and I felt better about it than what I did on Monday. It is still a struggle to get my head into the right place for it. I popped into Cardiff Bay Police Station (where I used to work) and caught up with many people who I have not seen for ages. I was overwhelmed by the positive response that I received. Thank you lovely people. I wasn’t sure how I would react about going in there, I have many happy memories of working there but I felt ‘removed’ from the police environment. There is something weighing on my mind but this is not something for the here and now.
Saw my (as always brilliant) GP this afternoon and it was good to chat things out. I am not prepared to give up on work yet as it is still early days and I need to use whatever mechanisms I have to ‘ADJUST’ (yep that word again) to the environment. I have another leave day tomorrow which makes things much easier for me. I have worked it out that with using last years leave I will be 3 days a week until October (I think). At the moment this is what is keeping me going.