Tuesday 10th April 2018 (2.17pm)
This morning I received a letter from work. My SMP (Selected Medical Practitioner) appointment has been arranged for Friday 18th May. This is now real. For ages I have been able to park it at the back of my head thinking that this appointment would not be until later in the year. So many emotions have surfaced since opening this letter and at the moment I am finding them too much and difficult to handle.
The thought that the direction of my future will be determined shortly does not yet seem comprehendible. It has been two years since I first walked out of my job. At that point only a few people had an idea of what I was going through as I sat behind my desk as a Temporary Detective Inspector with South Wales Police. Yet, here I am now wondering if I will ever return to a job which I once loved and gave everything to. In the end it became a job which has contributed to my ill health and I cannot see a way back. I have Psychiatrists who say that a return would be detrimental to my health and would likely lead to self harm or worse. To me, this sounds conclusive but I have to see another Doctor who will determine the outcome.
I am still trying to digest all of this and so far I have done what I do best. Five minutes after reading the letter I was out of the door on a run trying to forget everything. My one hour run, banking 7 miles was what I needed as I tried to focus on my plans for next week as I make my way to London for marathon number 1 of 2018.
I am grateful for mates who have rung me today and listened to me moan (they are used to it by now) and put my back on the right path of sensible thinking.
Olly who appears to want to act like a naughty teenager when we are out at the moment still keeps me grounded. Despite him trying to steal hot dogs from cafes, rolling in fox poo, eating horse poo, chasing after bikes, eating chicken bones and generally going bat shit crazy I still cannot imagine life without him.
Time to sign off now as I have a therapy session with ‘Mind’ where we are working on my perfectionist traits (more of this will follow in another blog).