Tuesday 15th May 2018 (12.48pm)
It has been a while since my last blog post so I thought I would check in and let you know how things are going.
It is Mental Health Awareness week and ironically it is the week that I have my final medical meeting with work regarding my future to see if I will be medically retired on ill health. Friends are asking how I feel about it and my answer generally is that I do not know, as whilst I have thought about it, I haven’t in any detail or depth. Maybe I have parked it in that part of my brain which I only access if I have to. Maybe I am thinking that the process is about someone else and not me. Maybe I have accepted things, maybe I haven’t.
The reality is that I know that I cannot go back to a job which I once loved and lived for. If the decision is made for me to be retired then I will be gone within 28 days. I will be turning my back on someone I thought I was, but this last two years has taught me otherwise. This last two years has changed me and made me realise what is important. I have always chased a successful career, the next rank or promotion. Why? Partly that is what society tells us to do but more so because of my own determination and drive.
It has taken two years of contemplation and reflection for me to find me and realise who I really am. There were things along the way which I tried to hide, fight and box away, but I soon realised that they quickly resurfaced so it was better to smash them in the chops from the outset.
If I am not medically retired then I will cross that bridge as and when. If this is the case, there are things going on in my head which scare me but there is no point talking about that here and now.
As always I am grateful for family and friends who know when things are shit and just pick me up and pull me along.
Last night I was given the opportunity to talk about my journey at an event in Cardiff. People say that I inspire them, but I was truly inspired by people who I met last night, each with their own story of pain and success. Each with their own path in front of them, amazing business women who continue to develop and shape what they do.
Maybe one day I will be sharing potential business ideas, for now, its about having no pressure or stress around me, continuing with my blog and the chapters of my book, oh and the small matter of Ironman training.
Next up, GP tomorrow and my medical appointment with work on Friday x