Sunday 27th January 2019 (12.57pm)
This is one of those days where I am not sure what I am going to say or type or even if I will hit the publish button for all to read.
I will just come out and say it… I feel so low that I do not quite know what to do with myself. I am sat in a coffee shop having just dropped Olly back at home after his morning walk. My head feels all over the place, kind of erratic but subdued not knowing what to do for the best. I have brought my book with me to read but even concentrating on that at the moment seems like a task.
I feel like I am carrying a heavy weight around me, something that cannot be shifted, or at least I have no idea how to shift it. Once again what is going on around me feels fuzzed out as people smile, chat and sip their drinks. I am sat in a corner on my own, quietly observing yet paying no attention. I wonder if people have noticed me, tapping away on my iPad. I wonder what the curious brain has thought?
It has been a week where I have pushed people away, apart from the odd day, not wanting company or conversation. Alone and lonely, some may say that is my choice. Is it? Is it my choice or is it a symptom of an illness which I cannot control but know I do not want. The only place I feel comfortable is when I am out running, swimming, biking or with Olly. It feels like it is my domain. Even exercise is becoming problematic, injuries which I have battled through and pushed to the max are really starting to cause me pain and slow me down yet I won’t stop, I can’t. I have turned down further surgery on my knees as I am bored of it. Bored of recovery. Bored of rehab. I have been through it too many times. People telling me what to do as if I am stupid, it’s all a load of bunkem.
I don’t know what else to say.