Pull don’t Push

Wednesday 11th December 2019 (5.20pm)

Do you ever wish you could start something again, rewind time, stop in a moment? No doubt every one of you has replied yes, whether that be spending last moments with a loved one, recapturing a special memory on holiday, or reliving a special day, we all have times and moments that we would like to live through again. Some of us would not change these moments whilst some of us would do things completely differently. Irrespective of what we want, we cannot go back, what we have of those times are stored within us, both in our heads and our hearts, only recreated by memory, visions, imagery and all of those photos and status updates on social media.

I am not sure what is prompting me to write this now but like with my other blogs I am sure it will speak to someone else and not just me. This time of year I usually write about Christmas and mental wellbeing. I will, but not today. Today I want to write about ‘happiness’.

Happiness (noun) ‘state of well-being characterised by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy’. There are many words in the dictionary which describe happiness. Yet, this truly subjective word, thought or feeling needs to be experienced by more people and more often. It’s one of those feelings which you just want to bottle, then pop off the cork when you need to fill yourself up with it again. There are millions of books, articles, publications about what or how you will make you happy, but can these really help?

Everyday as you go about your activities such as work, school run, exercise, shopping, meeting with friends etc, you may look at people around you and think ‘they have it sorted’, ‘they are always happy’, ‘why can’t I be like that’. Social media is a classic example of comparing your lives to others. What is truth versus reality? At the moment I am waking around and people are talking about and preparing for Christmas. Happy faces. Stressed faces. Plans of parties, celebrations, presents, nativity and all the gubbins that goes with it. Me, I walk around in a daze, not interested, not bothered. Broken.

At the moment I am failing at being happy. I am trying, I am doing my best, but I am weighed down by moments and memories of this past year. Too much has happened and so much has changed. I find myself again reflecting on how I changed over the last year and why. Happier than I had been in many years, I saw a future and I saw hope, yet my ability to keep hold of this was destroyed by anxiety, stress and depression, which led to too many low moods which ate me up over time and slowly morphed me into someone I am not. That is why I sit here alone, as I pushed my partner away until I could push no further. Yet I pushed and all I wanted was the complete opposite. I pushed instead of pulling closer, confused like a door with ‘push’ ‘pull’ signs on but I still get it wrong. There is so much I have got wrong, I am not proud of this, I am disappointed in many things but I cannot go back, I cannot start again, I cannot rewrite my wrongs. I wish I could. What I can do is learn, address my failings, appreciate what I have, and each day as I look at where I am going I learn. I learn where I went wrong and how not to make the same mistakes again. I am left dealing with the consequences of mental illness, as I attempt to pick up my own pieces. I am left to deal with Christmas as plans change. I am left to go through therapy and into the new year with uncertainty as to what will happen and even where I will be.

This post isn’t intended for sympathy or for you to feel sorry for me. I hate that bollocks and it is all my doing. I write as I know many of you will feel the same.

What you can feel sorry for me for is this. We all know that the Devil made Christmas lights. Well I have two sets on my lovely decorated tree and one set has decided to stop working!! Tomorrow I will be taking all the stuff off, fighting with 2 sets of tangled lights, replacing one set and chucking everything back on. FML.

At least I have Olly 🐾

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